My Annual "Lessons from another year around the sun"

with some small additional thoughts

My usual Coaching Post of Lessons I’ve learned this last year. Slightly expanded from the original post on Facebook.

20 Lessons I learned this year:

1. Change is real fing hard. No one discusses that even with positive changes, you’ll experience grief as people and situations fall away that no longer fit into the new version of who you have become. It will be lonely at times.

—I can’t stress it enough. I think most people have no idea how painful healthy positive changes and transformation are. We are given so many fairytales version since we always get the other side of the bridge version, not the process of discovering, building and crossing the bridge.

2. Peace is the same way. Finding inner peace isn’t roses and sunshine, in fact there’s often many painful changes and losses that have to be incurred along the way.

—While it can be environmental things disturbing our peace (dysfunctional relationships, toxic work environments, etc), it’s still a loss that is incurred when we are on our way to our path to peace. Even when it’s our own mind causing a disruption in peace, our thought loops are well known to us, there is some discomfort when we break those.

3. Healing is not just about embracing our light but also embracing our dark or “shadows”

-well this could be a mile long.

4. Creativity is not just about Art.

5. Your job is to clean up your side of the street. It also means realizing there’s times you’ve cleaned yours up and the other party cannot or will not clean theirs. Adjust your expectations or walk away.

-Easier said than done! This means truly accepting something for what it is. Most of us are not very good at this.

6. Don’t settle for breadcrumbs. Don’t settle for spending time with people that make you feel bad about yourself more often than not.

7. Taking responsibility for our lives is more tricky than it seems. This last year I radically took responsibility for my life that I would no longer put my time and energy into dating. It pulls me away from what I want and need to be doing, affects my stress levels and health and I lose too much of myself and time. This is despite the fact I thought I had done this before with long periods of being alone/no dating. However, there was always that longing/hoping buried away, that “waiting” for something. Radical ownership meant acceptance of all the ways I was not being fully honest with myself. My creativity has since skyrocketed.

-I truly believe these things are so sneaky. You can spend years working on yourself, telling yourself you’re trying to take responsibility but subtle self-sabotage is more often than not running in the background.

8. Resiliency is a good thing. Flexibility is even better. Being able to change course when something isn’t working. Challenging old beliefs and replacing with new ones. Adapting as new information and experiences in life come along. Letting go of any rigidity, dogma or judgements. It’s one thing I have strengthened the most in the last year and am damn proud. (Even my cognitive flexibility score in Lumosity!)

—What are some things you might possibly need to do for yourself that you are avoiding because of fears or rigid beliefs?

9. Old habits and patterns die hard. Creating New Habits is even harder. Reactions, Relationships, The Way We Physically Move, The Way We Approach Problems, The Way We Organize. You’ll be making 1000 different new decisions each day and it will feel so difficult and stagnant at times.

10. You will experience betrayals, hurts and disappointments. You won’t always have your experience heard or validated. You won’t always get apologies or accountability. Only you can do that for yourself.

-Read that again.

11. Only you can choose to not be pulled into old patterns. Even if that’s at the cost of being misunderstood. See the above. It’s okay to be misunderstood.

12. No One is Coming to Save You From Yourself. On the flip, as humans we do need others. That’s okay!

-This line is cliche but is absolutely the truth, I believe it more and more on my own journey and the work I do with people.

13. If you want equal relationships in your life, you need to match people’s energy. This is a hard lesson for over givers.

-Co-dependency is not simply about “being dependent on people” as so many automatically assume. For most typical co-dependents, it often looks like over giving, over working and over doing (this is also technically enabling), and then ending up resentful when it’s not reciprocated.

14. Healing happens in such subtle and gradual ways. One moment you notice you don’t react to something the same way you used to. You learn to smile and disengage rather than stay in the argument. On the counter, you speak up when you normally would abandon yourself and people please. Physically, one day you realize you can pull up a heavy blanket over yourself a lot easier. You can carry the bag you couldn’t. You haven’t wobbled in a while. It’s pretty cool.

-Still think about that when I hold the hair dryer

15. A little bit goes a long way. A bunch of small changes is how you actually see big changes.

-Lame, I know. But it’s the truth.

16. Laugh.

17. Read till the end of the book. Is it always worth it? No. But you’ve created a new habit

-This is especially a good one if you struggle with task completion.

18. Celebrate all the small joys.

19. If you feel stagnant, learn a new skill, craft or hobby. It’s not only healing and fulfilling, it’s good for your brain.

20. Don’t take anything too seriously. 99% of things aren’t that serious.

—I challenge you to it!

Love to you all.